Sorry, guys...

[themostepotente]

I haven't spoken about my mother's death since last April.

Her estate was finalised this week. My sister sent me a check today. I feel very undeserving of this money even though I have a house I need to maintain. Credit cards I can finally pay off and be rid of. Fuck, even my motorcycle loan.

I should feel elated by all of this, really. Triumphant even.

I don't. It just depresses the shit out of me.

This past year has made me a very different person.

And now there's no going back.

***

I am going to try and get some recs out tonight even though my head is pounding.

--P

Comments

[brknhalo241.livejournal.com]

I buried my mother 11 years ago and still feel the repercussions of her loss every day. There truly is no going back and the first year is the hardest since it's what I call the "Year Of Firsts." First Christmas without her, first birthday without her good wishes, first Mother's Day with no mother. By marginal inches it gets easier every year but you will be forever changed. Some changes will be bad and some will be, to your surprise, good. Mothers want their children to be taken care of so, if paying off debts would carry her sigh of relief floating to you on a breeze, then pay off your debts and know that you are deserving because your mother believed it to be true.

It really does get easier ... eventually.

[themostepotente.livejournal.com]

What a lovely post of encouragement. Thank you. This made me all teary-eyed. And yes, it does get easier over time. It'll be 20 years this May that my dad's been good. I miss them both so much, though. *hugs*