Sorry, guys...

[themostepotente]

I haven't spoken about my mother's death since last April.

Her estate was finalised this week. My sister sent me a check today. I feel very undeserving of this money even though I have a house I need to maintain. Credit cards I can finally pay off and be rid of. Fuck, even my motorcycle loan.

I should feel elated by all of this, really. Triumphant even.

I don't. It just depresses the shit out of me.

This past year has made me a very different person.

And now there's no going back.

***

I am going to try and get some recs out tonight even though my head is pounding.

--P

Comments

[pauraque]

When I got the money from my mom's insurance and savings I also felt very undeserving and guilty. I think that's why I never did anything with it, when I "should have" invested it or something.

[roastchicken.livejournal.com]

♥

[sesheta-66.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I would much rather have my dad back than no mortgage. :(

[http://users.livejournal.com/_hannelore/]

Good thoughts to you, P.

[incapricious.livejournal.com]

♥ ♥ ♥

[brknhalo241.livejournal.com]

I buried my mother 11 years ago and still feel the repercussions of her loss every day. There truly is no going back and the first year is the hardest since it's what I call the "Year Of Firsts." First Christmas without her, first birthday without her good wishes, first Mother's Day with no mother. By marginal inches it gets easier every year but you will be forever changed. Some changes will be bad and some will be, to your surprise, good. Mothers want their children to be taken care of so, if paying off debts would carry her sigh of relief floating to you on a breeze, then pay off your debts and know that you are deserving because your mother believed it to be true.

It really does get easier ... eventually.

[mizbean.livejournal.com]

My sympathies. ♥

[gestaltrose.livejournal.com]

*hugs you* because we can use some. *loves*

[femmequixotic]

*hugs*

I understand. I felt the same way when my dad's estate was settled. And I totally understand feeling like it all makes you a different person. It truly does.

Thinking about you tonight, hon. Very much.

[venivincere]

*hugs you*

[red_squared]

No need to apologise to us (me, anyway), sweet. Take as much time out as you want.

*hugs you hard*

[myrafur.livejournal.com]

I can't imagine your pain, love, but my heart goes out to you.

You are cherished.

[amorettea.livejournal.com]

Those of us of a certain age can very much sympathize. You are an adult now, without another generation to protect you, and that is very painful. But it is part of life and your mother would probably tell you that. Now go spend some money on something that makes you smile. Your mom wants to see you smile.

[yamapea.livejournal.com]

*snuggles you* ♥

[djin7.livejournal.com]

When my mother died, and we (the kids) got our portions of her life insurance, I sat down with my Dad to discuss how best to deal with the money. What to do? Of course, paying off the debt. Once that was done, I was conflicted - should I bank it? Invest?

My Dad said, and I'll never forget it, "DJ, your mother never saved a penny in her life. She would want you to spend it on something fun or frivolous. Go bring some fun into an otherwise terrible year."

So I did. But I would give it all back to have my mum to talk to. *hugs*

[svartalfur.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[ariadneelda.livejournal.com]

I'd still give *anything* to have my father back. And it's been 24 years since he died.

I wish I could say something to make you feel a bit better. *hugs you tight*

[melusinahp.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

Thinking of you. xxx

[erastes.livejournal.com]

I know how you feel - it's a horrid mixutre of guilt and all sorts of other conflicting feelings. Just think to yourself that your mother would want you to have it. She would, I am sure. don't blow it all though! *hug hug*

[huntress1013.livejournal.com]

:HUGS:

[amanuensis1.livejournal.com]

It's expected you won't feel elated by that. Relieved, sure, but elated, not so much. *hugs*

[triestine.livejournal.com]

*hug*

[gatewaygirl.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I haven't been through the death of a parent yet, so I can't say I truly understand, but every time something happens -- my mom has been hospitalized twice in the last five years -- the dread of it hits me again. Receiving your inheritance is part of your loss, however logistically favorable money might be.

Do the best you can, and know that you have the sympathy of your friends (and many of your more acquaintance-type lj 'friends') in this sad life-change.

[dracofiend.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Heartfelt sympathies, P. ♥

[ravenpan.livejournal.com]

*hugs tight*