Keeper of the Superfluous Es! (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
themostepotente) wrote2008-01-02 08:04 am
themostepotente) wrote2008-01-02 08:04 am
The Triple Grim Dare - Snape/Black [NC-17]
Title: The Triple Grim Dare
Rating: NC-17
Pairing(s): Snape/Black with the appearances of James, Peter and Remus
Disclaimer: Oh, so not mine. This market's been cornered.
Summary: Sirius sticks his tongue where it doesn't belong.
Warnings: Humour, snarkery
Author notes: This...is totally![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
nehalenia's fault. Blame her. *G* Betaed by nishizono and amanuensis1. The Constringus Curse and its concepts are the intellectual brilliance of sinick and are used with her permission. Further details about the curse can be found here.
The Triple Grim Dare
Between the four of them, there had been enough detention slips over seven years to dam the Black Lake. Shenanigans, dares and bets -- a number of which included Snape and the ever present hankering to humiliate him to the fullest extent -- were the guiltiest culprits. It wasn't enough that bones had been broken, teeth had gone missing, and on more than one occasion, a life almost lost. No, Sirius and James were still searching for that golden opportunity that would earn them twin plinths in the Valhalla of Prankery. And Sirius, despite Moony's warning that he'd poke an eye out, was quite certain that this time would top snitching Snape's wand.
Lakes be damned, he thought, approaching an arm-shackled Snape, why stop at the Black Lake? They had six months left, and Britain had other, larger bodies of water to stopper.
There was something about the clatter of Snape's teeth, an annoyance that drove Sirius from his reverie. But what to do? What to do? The cold was disabling his thought processes.
"Might we commence with whatever nonsense your pea brains have conjured?" Snape said, casting bored looks over his shoulder at Pettigrew and Potter. "I'm wanted by Dunleavey at six o'clock, Black. I'm certain he'll have something less insipid than a beating waiting. Or, is holding me hostage in a frozen courtyard the best you can manage?"
Sirius took Snape by the tip of his nose and shook him about. "Shut it, Snivellus, I'm thinking." After a moment or two, Sirius gave the go ahead nod and Snape found himself short two articles of clothing.
Snape groaned. "Salazar's scrote, not this again. For a supposed lot of skirt-chasers, you and your merry troupe of tossers can't seem to get enough of my bits, Black."
"Bits," Peter snorted. "An' not much bigger."
"The cold causes shrinkage, you imbecile," Snape asserted. "Though, I've heard it's difficult to tell with you, Pettigrew. If I was your cock, I wouldn't show my face either."
Peter's bottom lip fell open, but beyond that, he had nothing witty to volley.
Sirius couldn't help but grin at that. One didn't have to like their enemies to respect them. And well, if Wormtail couldn't defend himself, why should Sirius bother? Prongs certainly wasn't troubling himself.
"Oi, Sirius, I heard if you licked a pole in absolute zero, your tongue would stick to it. If Snivellus had something even resembling a boner--"
"No way," Sirius interjected. "I wouldn't touch Snape's dick for all the pink in Gryffindor."
"Perhaps," Snape said, making a face at the crudity of Black's statement. "I might be of assistance and hurry this nonsense along. Inside my rucksack, you'll find a penile Simulacrum. It was designed and tested by me, commissioned for Sinjin Smythe. Don't ask. Don't tell. The price was right. Will make the intended soft or hard with little more than a thumb flick."
"Pusillanimous git," James teased. "C'mon, I dare you."
Sirius blinked -- at both the word and the dare.
"It means cowardly, Black. And someone," Snape said, turning The Nose up at Potter, "should back away from the dictionary."
"I know what it means," Sirius growled. "Just not doing it. Not ever."
Despite his objection to the dare, Sirius reached into Snape's rucksack and retrieved the Simulacrum. He looked at it blankly waiting for instruction.
"Flip the head up and repeat the words 'Constringo Priapus Severus Snape.'"
Curiosity got the better of him. Sirius flipped the head of the Simulacrum up and uttered the incantation. Snape's cock grew to full hardness.
"Cor," James snorted, poking Snape's cock with the tip of his wand. "Stays crunchy, even in milk."
Snape growled at the poking. "Excellent, Black, now you have exactly sixty seconds to reach a decision before I resort to something drastic."
James poked Snape again just to be an annoying prat. "I Grim Dare you, mate."
Sirius arched a brow. The Grim Dare? Matters were considerable now. "No way. I'll hold Snivellus, and you kiss his prick."
But James ignored his request, grinning at Peter for support. "I Triple Grim Dare you."
The Triple Grim Dare? James had gone straight for the throat and with a slight breach in etiquette, skipping right past the Double Grim Dare.
This whole sordid mess had become the king of cock-ups. Wasn't this supposed to be about pranking Snape? When did it turn into them taking dares from each other? Sirius had no choice but to acquiesce. Slowly, he bent over to lick the crown of Snape's cock.
Unfortunately, right at the moment Snape cheered in triumph with a sibilant 'yess', a sprinkling of spittle dampened his cock. When Sirius went to remove his tongue, he found he couldn't. "Stubk! Stubk! STUBK!"
"Whaddya know?" James smirked. "It's true."
Snape rolled his eyes. "Here's one more for the science books."
There were far too many faces pressed against the small window of the infirmary door when Sirius and Snape were brought in for disengagement. Not only was Sirius's ego bruised, his tongue was put out of commission for at least a few days for healing. Now he'd have to clear his calendar of oral dalliances.
Upon separation, Sirius's eye was blackened by Snape's erection. And now Sirius would have to do with a shiner as well.
Remus, who had been there nursing his monthly round of bites and scratches, could barely contain his laughter. From two beds over, more to his copy of Quidditch Quarterly than to Sirius, Remus said. "Told you that you'd poke your eye out playing with Snape's wand."
Fin
Rating: NC-17
Pairing(s): Snape/Black with the appearances of James, Peter and Remus
Disclaimer: Oh, so not mine. This market's been cornered.
Summary: Sirius sticks his tongue where it doesn't belong.
Warnings: Humour, snarkery
Author notes: This...is totally
nehalenia's fault. Blame her. *G* Betaed by nishizono and amanuensis1. The Constringus Curse and its concepts are the intellectual brilliance of sinick and are used with her permission. Further details about the curse can be found here.Between the four of them, there had been enough detention slips over seven years to dam the Black Lake. Shenanigans, dares and bets -- a number of which included Snape and the ever present hankering to humiliate him to the fullest extent -- were the guiltiest culprits. It wasn't enough that bones had been broken, teeth had gone missing, and on more than one occasion, a life almost lost. No, Sirius and James were still searching for that golden opportunity that would earn them twin plinths in the Valhalla of Prankery. And Sirius, despite Moony's warning that he'd poke an eye out, was quite certain that this time would top snitching Snape's wand.
Lakes be damned, he thought, approaching an arm-shackled Snape, why stop at the Black Lake? They had six months left, and Britain had other, larger bodies of water to stopper.
There was something about the clatter of Snape's teeth, an annoyance that drove Sirius from his reverie. But what to do? What to do? The cold was disabling his thought processes.
"Might we commence with whatever nonsense your pea brains have conjured?" Snape said, casting bored looks over his shoulder at Pettigrew and Potter. "I'm wanted by Dunleavey at six o'clock, Black. I'm certain he'll have something less insipid than a beating waiting. Or, is holding me hostage in a frozen courtyard the best you can manage?"
Sirius took Snape by the tip of his nose and shook him about. "Shut it, Snivellus, I'm thinking." After a moment or two, Sirius gave the go ahead nod and Snape found himself short two articles of clothing.
Snape groaned. "Salazar's scrote, not this again. For a supposed lot of skirt-chasers, you and your merry troupe of tossers can't seem to get enough of my bits, Black."
"Bits," Peter snorted. "An' not much bigger."
"The cold causes shrinkage, you imbecile," Snape asserted. "Though, I've heard it's difficult to tell with you, Pettigrew. If I was your cock, I wouldn't show my face either."
Peter's bottom lip fell open, but beyond that, he had nothing witty to volley.
Sirius couldn't help but grin at that. One didn't have to like their enemies to respect them. And well, if Wormtail couldn't defend himself, why should Sirius bother? Prongs certainly wasn't troubling himself.
"Oi, Sirius, I heard if you licked a pole in absolute zero, your tongue would stick to it. If Snivellus had something even resembling a boner--"
"No way," Sirius interjected. "I wouldn't touch Snape's dick for all the pink in Gryffindor."
"Perhaps," Snape said, making a face at the crudity of Black's statement. "I might be of assistance and hurry this nonsense along. Inside my rucksack, you'll find a penile Simulacrum. It was designed and tested by me, commissioned for Sinjin Smythe. Don't ask. Don't tell. The price was right. Will make the intended soft or hard with little more than a thumb flick."
"Pusillanimous git," James teased. "C'mon, I dare you."
Sirius blinked -- at both the word and the dare.
"It means cowardly, Black. And someone," Snape said, turning The Nose up at Potter, "should back away from the dictionary."
"I know what it means," Sirius growled. "Just not doing it. Not ever."
Despite his objection to the dare, Sirius reached into Snape's rucksack and retrieved the Simulacrum. He looked at it blankly waiting for instruction.
"Flip the head up and repeat the words 'Constringo Priapus Severus Snape.'"
Curiosity got the better of him. Sirius flipped the head of the Simulacrum up and uttered the incantation. Snape's cock grew to full hardness.
"Cor," James snorted, poking Snape's cock with the tip of his wand. "Stays crunchy, even in milk."
Snape growled at the poking. "Excellent, Black, now you have exactly sixty seconds to reach a decision before I resort to something drastic."
James poked Snape again just to be an annoying prat. "I Grim Dare you, mate."
Sirius arched a brow. The Grim Dare? Matters were considerable now. "No way. I'll hold Snivellus, and you kiss his prick."
But James ignored his request, grinning at Peter for support. "I Triple Grim Dare you."
The Triple Grim Dare? James had gone straight for the throat and with a slight breach in etiquette, skipping right past the Double Grim Dare.
This whole sordid mess had become the king of cock-ups. Wasn't this supposed to be about pranking Snape? When did it turn into them taking dares from each other? Sirius had no choice but to acquiesce. Slowly, he bent over to lick the crown of Snape's cock.
Unfortunately, right at the moment Snape cheered in triumph with a sibilant 'yess', a sprinkling of spittle dampened his cock. When Sirius went to remove his tongue, he found he couldn't. "Stubk! Stubk! STUBK!"
"Whaddya know?" James smirked. "It's true."
Snape rolled his eyes. "Here's one more for the science books."
There were far too many faces pressed against the small window of the infirmary door when Sirius and Snape were brought in for disengagement. Not only was Sirius's ego bruised, his tongue was put out of commission for at least a few days for healing. Now he'd have to clear his calendar of oral dalliances.
Upon separation, Sirius's eye was blackened by Snape's erection. And now Sirius would have to do with a shiner as well.
Remus, who had been there nursing his monthly round of bites and scratches, could barely contain his laughter. From two beds over, more to his copy of Quidditch Quarterly than to Sirius, Remus said. "Told you that you'd poke your eye out playing with Snape's wand."
Fin
[ feedback ]
*snort* great start. so very sirius.
...but the first moment i knew i'd love this story for sure was this gem:
"The cold causes shrinkage, you imbecile," Snape asserted. "Though, I've heard it's difficult to tell with you, Pettigrew. If I were your cock, I wouldn't show my face either."
followed by...
Sirius couldn't help but grin at that. One didn't have to like their enemies to respect them.
i mean, anything that highlights snape's wit and snark to a full degree is already pretty great. but sirius's grudging appreciation makes it brilliant.
but i have to tell you, i loved how snape kept his cool throughout it all, as well as his intellect -- perfectly justified in his low opinion of his tormentors. (i mean... i really like james and sirius, don't get me wrong. even peter's not as bad as all that. but at times, i can relate to snape's condescending view of them.) the way he plays it off like he's bored, even willing to help just to speed things along -- it's a beautiful thing.
and then, of course, there's:
"Pusillanimous git," James teased. "C'mon, I dare you."
Sirius blinked -- at both the word and the dare.
"It means cowardly, Black. And someone," Snape said, turning The Nose up at Potter, "should back away from the dictionary."
*shakes head* ...for a moment, there, i wasn't sure i liked seeing that word in james's dialogue. but, oh man-- do the reaction ever make it worth it.
i think i've always had an appreciation for the way you write dialogue. and i agree with
or this:
"Cor," James snorted, poking Snape's cock with the tip of his wand. "Stays crunchy, even in milk."
*snert* your james is such an ass. i love it. and (even if it's not quite the same level of delight as well-characterized snape) his voice -- as well as the others -- i can hear just as perfectly.
The Triple Grim Dare? James had gone straight for the throat and with a slight breach in etiquette, skipping right past the Double Grim Dare.
oh man... i could kiss you for that. the perfect mirroring of a Christmas story's narrative here is rather great. and totally cracked me up.
i meant to mention this somewhere in the review: that movie has always been one of my all-time favorites. and i think much of the irony and irreverence that makes me love it is captured wonderfully by this story. as much as i adore pop culture references in general -- your perverse, cracktastic twist on this particular bit of american nostalgia makes the fic a rare bit of brilliant.
...and finally, the ending. oh, the ending. with so little of remus in the rest of the fic, his appearance and commentary at the end really makes the story, for me. it's funny, it's in-character, and it ties the beginning and the end together beautifully.
i do have one little bit of con-crit: did you mean to say "absolute zero"? or maybe you were thinking of 0 celsius? i can't quite recall if this is a reference to something in the movie, and if it is, then i understand why you'd use it -- so just ignore me. or, *shrug* maybe james doesn't know what the term means. but if he does know... considering absolute zero is actually nearly -460° fahrenheit, it seems like a heck of an exaggeration.
at any rate... like i said, if you did mean to put that (for whichever reason), then please feel free to ignore me.
anyway, i hope i didn't ramble on too much. *facepalm*
i really did absolutely greatly enjoy the story, though. and let me just end on saying it will definitely be added to my memories.
Re: [ feedback ]
you know, i keep sort of wanting to poke you on im... but every time i notice you're on, says "mobile." which seems like it would just be weird. and honestly, we haven't talked in so long i wasn't sure you'd even remember who the heck i am. heh.
anyway, i found this story completely by lucky accident:
oh, and the absolute zero thing... lol. to tell you the truth, it was just something that stuck in my head from high school or maybe even middle school science class: the fact that that's the term for the lowest possible temperature ever. and, well-- what little i know about celsius is just because i'm russian. :P
[ ...and also, august ]
Re: [ ...and also, august ]
Re: [ ...and also, august ]
well, if you do go i hope you're there by thursday afternoon: JediPirate and i are throwing a snape/black meetup (about time someone did, i think) and you should totally come by if you can. (we've got a community for it:
anyway, i did have another related question, in case you don't feel like or can't come. among the things we were planning (assuming people will be into it) was to have short fic readings -- one reason being that we can allow a higher rating than the official readings at artists and authors night... and breaking the rules is very much in the spirit of this pairing. :P
anyway, since not everyone is a writer (and not every writer likes reading aloud), i figured we'd let interested attendees read other people's fic as well, as long as they have permission. we were going to suggest a few for people to pick from. basically, what i'm asking is, if you're not there -- or even if you are, but don't feel like reading -- would you mind if somebody else read something of yours? i was thinking specifically either this story, or maybe "the &^%$#@! profanity jar"; both are just short, funny, and slightly smutty enough to be exactly what we're looking for.
Re: [ feedback ]
About the 'absolute zero.' Honestly, I'm pants at metric conversions, so that's probably way-the-fuck-off! *G* I'll make a note to change that. Thanks for pointing it out. Oooh, and yay for putting this in your memories!
Re: [ feedback ]