The Triple Grim Dare - Snape/Black [NC-17]

[themostepotente]

Title: The Triple Grim Dare
Rating: NC-17
Pairing(s): Snape/Black with the appearances of James, Peter and Remus
Disclaimer: Oh, so not mine. This market's been cornered.
Summary: Sirius sticks his tongue where it doesn't belong.
Warnings: Humour, snarkery
Author notes: This...is totally nehalenia's fault. Blame her. *G* Betaed by nishizono and amanuensis1. The Constringus Curse and its concepts are the intellectual brilliance of sinick and are used with her permission. Further details about the curse can be found here.



The Triple Grim Dare

Between the four of them, there had been enough detention slips over seven years to dam the Black Lake. Shenanigans, dares and bets -- a number of which included Snape and the ever present hankering to humiliate him to the fullest extent -- were the guiltiest culprits. It wasn't enough that bones had been broken, teeth had gone missing, and on more than one occasion, a life almost lost. No, Sirius and James were still searching for that golden opportunity that would earn them twin plinths in the Valhalla of Prankery. And Sirius, despite Moony's warning that he'd poke an eye out, was quite certain that this time would top snitching Snape's wand.

Lakes be damned, he thought, approaching an arm-shackled Snape, why stop at the Black Lake? They had six months left, and Britain had other, larger bodies of water to stopper.

There was something about the clatter of Snape's teeth, an annoyance that drove Sirius from his reverie. But what to do? What to do? The cold was disabling his thought processes.

"Might we commence with whatever nonsense your pea brains have conjured?" Snape said, casting bored looks over his shoulder at Pettigrew and Potter. "I'm wanted by Dunleavey at six o'clock, Black. I'm certain he'll have something less insipid than a beating waiting. Or, is holding me hostage in a frozen courtyard the best you can manage?"

Sirius took Snape by the tip of his nose and shook him about. "Shut it, Snivellus, I'm thinking." After a moment or two, Sirius gave the go ahead nod and Snape found himself short two articles of clothing.

Snape groaned. "Salazar's scrote, not this again. For a supposed lot of skirt-chasers, you and your merry troupe of tossers can't seem to get enough of my bits, Black."

"Bits," Peter snorted. "An' not much bigger."

"The cold causes shrinkage, you imbecile," Snape asserted. "Though, I've heard it's difficult to tell with you, Pettigrew. If I was your cock, I wouldn't show my face either."

Peter's bottom lip fell open, but beyond that, he had nothing witty to volley.

Sirius couldn't help but grin at that. One didn't have to like their enemies to respect them. And well, if Wormtail couldn't defend himself, why should Sirius bother? Prongs certainly wasn't troubling himself.

"Oi, Sirius, I heard if you licked a pole in absolute zero, your tongue would stick to it. If Snivellus had something even resembling a boner--"

"No way," Sirius interjected. "I wouldn't touch Snape's dick for all the pink in Gryffindor."

"Perhaps," Snape said, making a face at the crudity of Black's statement. "I might be of assistance and hurry this nonsense along. Inside my rucksack, you'll find a penile Simulacrum. It was designed and tested by me, commissioned for Sinjin Smythe. Don't ask. Don't tell. The price was right. Will make the intended soft or hard with little more than a thumb flick."

"Pusillanimous git," James teased. "C'mon, I dare you."

Sirius blinked -- at both the word and the dare.

"It means cowardly, Black. And someone," Snape said, turning The Nose up at Potter, "should back away from the dictionary."

"I know what it means," Sirius growled. "Just not doing it. Not ever."

Despite his objection to the dare, Sirius reached into Snape's rucksack and retrieved the Simulacrum. He looked at it blankly waiting for instruction.

"Flip the head up and repeat the words 'Constringo Priapus Severus Snape.'"

Curiosity got the better of him. Sirius flipped the head of the Simulacrum up and uttered the incantation. Snape's cock grew to full hardness.

"Cor," James snorted, poking Snape's cock with the tip of his wand. "Stays crunchy, even in milk."

Snape growled at the poking. "Excellent, Black, now you have exactly sixty seconds to reach a decision before I resort to something drastic."

James poked Snape again just to be an annoying prat. "I Grim Dare you, mate."

Sirius arched a brow. The Grim Dare? Matters were considerable now. "No way. I'll hold Snivellus, and you kiss his prick."

But James ignored his request, grinning at Peter for support. "I Triple Grim Dare you."

The Triple Grim Dare? James had gone straight for the throat and with a slight breach in etiquette, skipping right past the Double Grim Dare.

This whole sordid mess had become the king of cock-ups. Wasn't this supposed to be about pranking Snape? When did it turn into them taking dares from each other? Sirius had no choice but to acquiesce. Slowly, he bent over to lick the crown of Snape's cock.

Unfortunately, right at the moment Snape cheered in triumph with a sibilant 'yess', a sprinkling of spittle dampened his cock. When Sirius went to remove his tongue, he found he couldn't. "Stubk! Stubk! STUBK!"

"Whaddya know?" James smirked. "It's true."

Snape rolled his eyes. "Here's one more for the science books."

---

There were far too many faces pressed against the small window of the infirmary door when Sirius and Snape were brought in for disengagement. Not only was Sirius's ego bruised, his tongue was put out of commission for at least a few days for healing. Now he'd have to clear his calendar of oral dalliances.

Upon separation, Sirius's eye was blackened by Snape's erection. And now Sirius would have to do with a shiner as well.

Remus, who had been there nursing his monthly round of bites and scratches, could barely contain his laughter. From two beds over, more to his copy of Quidditch Quarterly than to Sirius, Remus said. "Told you that you'd poke your eye out playing with Snape's wand."

Fin

Comments

[ariadneelda.livejournal.com]

Ahahaha! Brilliant.

I so didn't feel sorry for Sirius. :P

[themostepotente.livejournal.com]

Well, really, that's the whole point now, isn't it? *G*

[snegurochka_lee]

Ha! My favourite part was, 'Not this again,' Snape being so fantastically bored that playing with his bits is the best that gang can ever think of. :))

[themostepotente.livejournal.com]

James and Sirius lack Snape's creativity, methinks :-)

God, I really need some MWPP icons :P

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

Oh Remus! How I love you! Snape's disdainful mastery of the situation is just beautiful, and the hapless falling of Sirius (and James) is so well-wrought. The scent of overpowering testosterone just adds to the mood; Sirius's calendar of oral dalliances was such a great character note -- and had me snorting with laughter!

[themostepotente.livejournal.com]

Hee! Thank you, love! I haven't really written much since I started my Smutmas epic, so this was a nice change of pace to produce in one evening.

BTW -- You have me very curious about 1986 now. Boy, do I miss the 80s :-)

[aras-fixation.livejournal.com]

It's been soo long, Penny. :) Now, I go to read your story. Despite your, er, somehow spoilery summary.

[themostepotente.livejournal.com]

Gosh, it has been a long time, eh? Fucking May. Wow. Snack was certainly overdue. Though, have you seen this (http://themostepotente.livejournal.com/183788.html#cutid1)?

Hrm, was the summary really that spoilery?

[klynie1.livejournal.com]

*choking with laughter* I'm never going to be able to watch that bit of "A Christmas Story" again, you evil woman!

[themostepotente.livejournal.com]

I was going to do this last year, and it never came to pass. So, when one of the stations ran their 24 hour marathon of 'A Christmas Story', I just knew I had to this year!

You didn't strain anything, did you? *winks*

[jillypooh.livejournal.com]

Ah poor Sirius. It must be tiring to be that gullible! I love how Severus is so unimpressed by their capture and manages to get his digs in even while he's trussed up and exposed.

[themostepotente.livejournal.com]

Snape's a Slytherin through and through. Craft and cunning are his meat and mead.

Glad you enjoyed my lil' ficlet!

[robriki.livejournal.com]

Hahahahahahahaha!!

Poor Sirius (only not really)!!

[themostepotente.livejournal.com]

James and Sirius really are the poster boys for one-upsmanship, aren't they?

They're lovable idiots, but they bounce back quickly!

[libby-drew.livejournal.com]

*g* Loved it. 'Black eye by erection' ftw!

[themostepotente.livejournal.com]

What? It's canon that Snape has a ginormous wiener :P LOL!

P.S. I sent you mail, dear :-)

[nehalenia.livejournal.com]

ROTFLMAO!!!! Oh God, that was too too funny! I started giggling at the "double plinths in the Valhalla of Prankery" line and just couldn't stop. I think my favorite part was that you used the precise language, i.e. the part about committing 'a slight breach of etiquette....' and Sirius yelling 'Stubk!' It's impossible for me not to re-imagine that whole scene with Snape and the Marauders. Remus' 'poke your eye out' line was the perfect capper.

I can't help imagining Sirius looking pathetic in the classroom with his tongue wrapped up, and McGonagall going "Well, that's all I'm going to say about.... poor Sirius." *sporfle*

[themostepotente.livejournal.com]

Do you know how many times I've seen 'A Christmas Story?' I know the dialogue backwards and forwards. How scary is that? You are a vile ennabler, you know that, dear? You could probably convince me with your ebil ways to write Snape/Sirius/Leg Lamp. Now, that would be something!

[kirashapedgirl.livejournal.com]

I love how Snape is so unimpressed and bored by their antics. It's so perfect!

[themostepotente.livejournal.com]

According to Snape, their antics aren't up to snuff! LOL Thanks for stopping by to read! Glad you enjoyed this :-)

[perverse-idyll.livejournal.com]

Dude! You came this close to owing me a new keyboard! Although I suppose the lawyers for the defense would say that one mustn't eat soup while reading Snack.

I adore how disdainful Snape is, even trussed up and at a disadvantage, and how cleverly he takes charge and manipulates Sirius into licking his cock. (Also the Snape-designed magical dildo, a.k.a. penile Simulacrum, is such a Slytherin contraption. "Don't ask. Don't tell." Hah! It sounds like he's giving them a sales pitch.)

Snape's put-down of Peter is priceless, although no contest, really. Even under duress, he skewers them all. It's like watching a champion duel with one hand tied behind his back.

"It means cowardly, Black. And someone," Snape said, turning The Nose up at Potter, "should back away from the dictionary." Dear god, your Snape voice is infallible.

Then the line that nearly ended my keyboard's life:

"Cor," James snorted, poking Snape's cock with the tip of his wand. "Stays crunchy, even in milk."

Yes, I am eight years old. *snort* What can I say? I wasn't expecting it.

The image of Snape and Black being toted into the infirmary to be "disengaged" is emblazoned on my memory now. And all the staring faces pressed to the window. Along with the profound ricochet I imagine for Snape's erection as it bounces back and bops Sirius smartly in the eye.

Oh, my dear, how you make me howl smile.

[themostepotente.livejournal.com]

Oh, my dear, how you make me howl smile.

The feeling is quite mutual. Your squeeful reviews are always so euphoric to me. Like a rolling high. You could be addictive, y'know. *winks*

[sinick.livejournal.com]

*SNORK* Hilarious use of the Constringus! *applause*

[themostepotente.livejournal.com]

Sin, thank you for the temporary use of your brilliant imagination. You are so incredibly gifted that I'm positively Slytherin green with envy.

I'm really happy I could put a smile on your face with this, my humble offering :-)

And dammit, my extra userpics are suspended, because I REFUSE to give LJ another red cent.

[nwhiker.livejournal.com]

"Brought in for disengagement" OMG. BWAH!

I love it.

Too funny.

James wasn't playing nice.

Snape was just... pefectly Snape.

[themostepotente.livejournal.com]

Ah, music to my ears! Hopefully, this will encorage me to produce more Snack. Because, yay, OTP an' all. *G*

[warped-factor.livejournal.com]

*cackles gleefully*

Hee, I adored Severus tricking Sirius into licking his cock! I'm sure he manipulates them all quite often -- you'd think they'd wise up eventually and leave him alone, but like Sev said, they do always seem awfully interested in his bits....

"Disengagement," hahahaha! Oh, poor Madame Pomfrey. Actually, I rather envy her that duty. And Remus, who obviously enjoyed his view. ;)

[themostepotente.livejournal.com]

It's awfully hard not to be interested in Snape's bits. *G*

*snuzzes you*

[arcanetrivia]

Grrahhhh... you.... pun... aaarrgh!

"Valhalla of Prankery" is officially the best afterlife term ever.

[themostepotente.livejournal.com]

"Valhalla of Prankery" is officially the best afterlife term ever.

Hee! Thank you! I'm rather fond of that term myself :-)

[scarletscarlet.livejournal.com]

LMAO Remus. Good lad :D. Hilarious!

[themostepotente.livejournal.com]

*winks at you*

[athenakt.livejournal.com]

I must say how very pleased I am to see a teenaged!Snape who has come to the point of apparent boredom with being bullied by the Marauders, yet maintains his intelligent wit in reaction. :)

[themostepotente.livejournal.com]

Wit is the one weapon that never fails Snape. *G* And with all of those beatings/pranks, Snape's had a long time to perfect his craft!

Glad you enjoyed this :-)

[dead-sexydexy.livejournal.com]

I marked this to read and forgot because I'm sucky that way. Priceless. I will never watch A Christmas Story without thinking about this version. Snape was so very Snapey. Remus' last line is perfection.

[themostepotente.livejournal.com]

Isn't 'A Christmas Story' a hoot? I'd been wanting to do a parody of that scene for ages! And wouldn't you know? The opportunity presented itself!

Glad you enjoyed this! Thanks for dropping by :-)

Also, your icon? Is dead on. *G*

[herbailiwick.livejournal.com]

Hell yes. That was very nice.

[themostepotente.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I do aim to please! *G*

[sweetmelodykiss.livejournal.com]

Sorry, I forgot to log in.

OMG, i just rolled laughing. that is too funy.

"Stubk! Stubk! STUBK!"

Brilliant!

[themostepotente.livejournal.com]

Hee! Glad I could tickle your funny bone! I endeavour to be your MC, Mistress of Chuckles. *G*

[ensnarryed.livejournal.com]

You are bad. (^_^)

You are SO BAD. (~_^)

So bad you're GOOD, I mean. (XP)

[themostepotente.livejournal.com]

*preens*

That's what they tell me. *G*

[ feedback ]

[http://users.livejournal.com/supes_/]

why stop at the Black Lake? They had six months left, and Britain had other, larger bodies of water to stopper.

*snort* great start. so very sirius.


...but the first moment i knew i'd love this story for sure was this gem:

"The cold causes shrinkage, you imbecile," Snape asserted. "Though, I've heard it's difficult to tell with you, Pettigrew. If I were your cock, I wouldn't show my face either."

followed by...

Sirius couldn't help but grin at that. One didn't have to like their enemies to respect them.

i mean, anything that highlights snape's wit and snark to a full degree is already pretty great. but sirius's grudging appreciation makes it brilliant.

but i have to tell you, i loved how snape kept his cool throughout it all, as well as his intellect -- perfectly justified in his low opinion of his tormentors. (i mean... i really like james and sirius, don't get me wrong. even peter's not as bad as all that. but at times, i can relate to snape's condescending view of them.) the way he plays it off like he's bored, even willing to help just to speed things along -- it's a beautiful thing.

and then, of course, there's:

"Pusillanimous git," James teased. "C'mon, I dare you."

Sirius blinked -- at both the word and the dare.

"It means cowardly, Black. And someone," Snape said, turning The Nose up at Potter, "should back away from the dictionary."

*shakes head* ...for a moment, there, i wasn't sure i liked seeing that word in james's dialogue. but, oh man-- do the reaction ever make it worth it.


i think i've always had an appreciation for the way you write dialogue. and i agree with perverse_idyll: your snape voice it absolutely flawless. good lord, the sarcasm... the utter contempt... i could just inhale it. so perfectly, deliciously in character.

or this:

"Cor," James snorted, poking Snape's cock with the tip of his wand. "Stays crunchy, even in milk."

*snert* your james is such an ass. i love it. and (even if it's not quite the same level of delight as well-characterized snape) his voice -- as well as the others -- i can hear just as perfectly.


The Triple Grim Dare? James had gone straight for the throat and with a slight breach in etiquette, skipping right past the Double Grim Dare.

oh man... i could kiss you for that. the perfect mirroring of a Christmas story's narrative here is rather great. and totally cracked me up.

i meant to mention this somewhere in the review: that movie has always been one of my all-time favorites. and i think much of the irony and irreverence that makes me love it is captured wonderfully by this story. as much as i adore pop culture references in general -- your perverse, cracktastic twist on this particular bit of american nostalgia makes the fic a rare bit of brilliant.


...and finally, the ending. oh, the ending. with so little of remus in the rest of the fic, his appearance and commentary at the end really makes the story, for me. it's funny, it's in-character, and it ties the beginning and the end together beautifully.


i do have one little bit of con-crit: did you mean to say "absolute zero"? or maybe you were thinking of 0 celsius? i can't quite recall if this is a reference to something in the movie, and if it is, then i understand why you'd use it -- so just ignore me. or, *shrug* maybe james doesn't know what the term means. but if he does know... considering absolute zero is actually nearly -460° fahrenheit, it seems like a heck of an exaggeration.

at any rate... like i said, if you did mean to put that (for whichever reason), then please feel free to ignore me.



anyway, i hope i didn't ramble on too much. *facepalm*

i really did absolutely greatly enjoy the story, though. and let me just end on saying it will definitely be added to my memories.